SQ&SJ; a great blog about getting info together to write a book for fertiles and how to be more sensitive to infs. Even my sister is totally desensitized and she went through IF for two years before Smellabella got here (just like RBblog). I can not relate to her at all (our issues are totally different) and she has seldom made attempts to listen or to understand what I am going through. It’s as if she didn’t even go through that hell. Don’t tell me it’ll happen…that is the same crap I heard when I was waiting for my life partner to enter my life. There are days when it is better and other days when I break down. Assvice – my friend Claris upon telling me she was pregnant and thought it would take longer than it did said: “go buy one of those saliva fertility monitors – that’s what did it.” Thanks but no thanks for your assvice, I already got one way back when we started to TTC. I saw the ferning and we hit our days but anada. I feel like I will have this on my brain until we finally reach our goal. It’s like weight loss and food for me, an everyday struggle but you make it and move on. It kills me to read BOTB and the posts about how long it took then to conceive. “Both out families are extremely fertile and it happened in no time, once and we weren’t even trying….” I was thinking that when it does happen I think I will be so discrete on whom I tell until I start showing. I have heard of so many stories of miscarriage even after the baby is born that I don’t think I will relax with the worrying until the kid is out – alive and breathing. Ok I’ll try and not worry but I think it is pre-programmed in my brain. I curse you IF for taking the joy of the unknown away from me, for making me worry and think about things I don’t need to think about.
My lady in waiting is definitely my mom. Although she has not experienced IF she has gone through the loss of a child and she told me once how awful she felt at my dad’s side New Years when all my Aunt’s and Uncles kissed their kids and my mom had no baby to kiss (although I believe she was already pregnant with my sis). She truly understands me and my frustrations…she is the only one which I share my true emotions with and she actually listens and gives me all the emotional support I could ever ask for. Saturday thanksgiving weekend Ashs baby shower. They are not registered (go figure) they seem so chill about the whole deal, I don’t even know if they know the sex. Don’t know if I am looking forward to it, there are going to be soo many babies/couples and baby talk and I am sure everyone will ask us when we will start trying. If only they knew we have been trying for a long, long time. Our response will probably be this coming year. I am really looking forward to the next year; I think I am getting really close when it will happen. I will try and not get my hopes up for a 2007 baby, I will just be happy to be able to conceive next year and have a healthy baby the following if possible. My dream is alive and well, it will happen (at least I try and tell myself that), but I do have faith and I do know that we will be parents of beautiful souls.
PS
Why the date on the title? If we actually conceive this month that will be my EDD (give or take a few days). Why I do that, couldn’t tell ya, maybe it’s the hope I have to this day with each and every cycle.
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Yesterday I bought myself some de-café green tea and Equate Tussin. I am pulling all the stops this month. Oh and I am going to buy OPKs at the dollar store…if we do have a chance this month I will do everything in my power to increase our odds. We shall see!
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