I still get jealous!

Just found out today another lady (39yo) is knocked up due in April and get this they were married in June this year. Man I am so jealous, I just feel like it is never going to happen to me…it is a distance dream. The closest I have ever felt to it is in my dreams. I’ve dreamt that I have gotten a BFP, pregnant, given birth and seen the child. I am annoyed at the fact that so many babies will be born and even second sibling will be on the way and I haven’t not even gotten a positive test. Dumb me, oh why don’t you do a BHCG in case there is a slight chance I am pregnant before my x-ray. BFN and I started spotting today. Here comes cycle 18 I think. Even though we did not hit our fertile time I still had hope – crazy! This has been the biggest emotional roller coaster since being disappointed by dating. Do y’all feel like me? Is there anyone even reading this? Sometimes even though this is a public journal I feel like I am just writing for myself. I’m sorry but I hate fertile-freaking-myrtles. Eddie has not quit dipping, I used to tolerate it but now that I know it could have something to do with his boys I want him to stop but it is on his own terms. He does not go through monthly disappointment I go through, maybe could care less that people around him get and are pregnant. End of Jan early Feb he is going to get checked regardless if he has quite or not!